Sun, Aug 27, 2017

I hate to be this person, but I genuinely care about you, and you need someone to play this role in your life, so here I am.

I understand that you grew up in an environment where you could never have this lifestyle that is so easily accessible now. So I understand that you’re curious and that certain things don’t seem to be as bad as you were raised to believe they were, and maybe they’re not. But I also know that you’re trying to figure yourself out, so be careful not to get these things mixed up. Don’t build a life that depends on superficialities. Money, drugs, fame, whatever. You’re self-aware enough to realize why these things make you happy, but you also seem like someone who needs to be liked and wants to impress, which is definitely a good thing, especially for an artist. But that also makes you more susceptible to peer pressure and addiction. I’m not saying you shouldn’t do certain things - fuck no, do them, experiment! But always make sure that: 1. you’re comfortable doing these things because YOU want to do them, not because you want to fit in/be liked/impress people; and 2. you understand that you’re young and especially vulnerable at this time in your life, even though it doesn’t feel like it.

Just be careful, I guess. Don't become another person with broken dreams. Don’t lose yourself.

Wed, Nov 8, 2017

Hi D.S.

I'm writing this email because I'm always more coherent when write and if I tried to talk to you I would end up forgetting half of what I wanted to say. I've been thinking about a few things and I wanted to share them with you.

Let's start from the beginning. You said you don't remember the conversation we had at Medusa Lounge, so I will tell you again what I told you then. I spent years of my life isolated from absolutely everyone - I had no friends growing up and had no desire to have friends because I was going through so much in my head that I started hating people (humanity as a whole) as a coping mechanism.

You said the other day that I ask a lot of questions and that I seem genuinely curious about people, and I guess that's because I'm getting to know people for the first time. It's the first time in years that I can be in a room full of people without feeling like I'm drowning. I actually like people. That must be hard for you to understand since you were the complete opposite, but try to.

Now fast forward to my birthday and the mess that was that night. Context. It was the afternoon, A and I had not started drinking yet, and someone said something like "oh I love you guys, I love everyone in this house" and I said "I don't use the word love like that", which lead to A asking me if I loved anyone in the house. I had been thinking about that that week, so I answered. "Yeah, D.S." She was upset that I didn't say I loved her too, and she couldn't understand why you matter more to me than she does, so everything went downhill from there - she likes to obsess over things when she's drunk, which is funny.

Let me explain to you what I already told her. I met you at a very specific time in my life (and yours too) and the conversations we had, as well as the person you are, were exactly what I needed. I realized that it's the first time I love someone who I have no romantic interest in and who is not in my family. You're the only platonic friend I ever said 'I love you' to. That is crazy to think about, and I bet you can't begin to comprehend never having loved a friend in your life... but yup, it's true.

Now to the last part and reason why I decided to email you. You have been really quiet and distant lately, and I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything. Anything at all. I'm not always the best at giving advice, but sometimes just saying things out loud can help you figure things out and feel better. Feel free to keep doing your thing, you're under no obligation to talk to me or reply to this email or ANYTHING, but I wanted to offer you the option to. I worry about you. Please please please let me know if I can do anything.

Sorry about the long ass email - I might have broken my hand and am trying to distract myself from the pain.

Just remember that everything is temporary. Your problems, your life, the sun. Find solace in that.

Wed, Dec 20, 2017

good morning d.s.

as requested, here's what you need to do:

- craigslist. every morning. make it part of your routine to wake up and go on craigslist (la, ny, sf, atlanta...). send 100-200 emails every morning.
- facebook groups. you have to be one of the first people to respond to a post. so you gotta be always looking. as sad as that sounds, it's true.
- understand that it's all about your mindset. if you think "man this is impossible, not that many people will hire me and i won't make enough money" change that to "i have no other option, it's do or die, and i am making this happen because i fucking can".
- understand that this is not where you want to be, but also know that doing this is improving your abilities as an artist as opposed to being a server or cashier or whatever. plus it's temporary.
- don't settle.

okay, let's start there.

i believe in you and i love you very very very much. let's fucking do this, my friend.

Dec 24-29, 2017

Re: Bresson (on Cinema)

Film, like all art, is supposed to cause a visceral response. While plot and action and story is important in most cases, it is FEELING that connects the audience to a movie (or painting or poem or whatever). Not every movie will mean the same thing to everyone because people react differently to it - and there's more room for that in art films. I see that as a good thing, I don't think many people do.

So mother, for instance... did I get every reference Aronofsky hid in that movie? Probably not. And it doesn't matter. Mother was much more about how it made me feel (and all the other aspects that I respect as a filmmmaker and artist, but that's a completely different conversation) than about a plot or character. All these people who disliked mother because they didn't "get" it were looking for the wrong thing. I think that's actually how I tell an art film and a mainstream film apart. I didn't want to use the word "mainstream" but I can't find a better way to say it - maybe commercial film, but mother was very much a commercial film while being a hardcore art film, which is another reason I respect Aronofsky so much.

One of the things that is wrong with the film industry today is that the films that succeed commercially (and they only succeed because that's where the marketing money goes) are films that feed the audience with a plot for two hours and are objective and not subjective. That are good films that are meant to be analyzed instead of felt, though.

Nolan. He makes amazing intellectual films. Are they art films? No. Do they focus on feelings over plot? Definitely not. But they're good. Or Woody Allen, even.

This interview made me think. What big directors today focus on feelings? Aronofsky, Malick, Inarritu... they're rare. I think that's what we need more of in this industry.

Sorry not sorry about the rant.

[]

Interesting. This is making me think... I have no answers to your questions, only opinions.

I think art that MAKES money is still art, but art made FOR money is not. Which is fascinating, because I've always said that anything is art if the artist says so. I kind of do still believe that... but let's take the Transformers movies, or Fast and Furious, or Pitch Perfect. Are those movies art? No. But what if the directors say they are? Who am I to say otherwise?

Now can mainstream films be art films? What is "mainstream"? Something normal, conventional, popular. What are art films? Films that break the conventions. So they are mutually exclusive by standard definitions. But not all art breaks or attempts to break conventions, at least not intentionally. They are still art, though, and the general audience sees it as art. So maybe it goes back to what we were talking about the other day; what the artist says doesn't mean as much as what the audience hears.

I think making films about your feelings comes very naturally to you, and I would say you're an artist before being a filmmaker. If you didn't have film you would find other ways to express your feelings. But what you make will not always mean the same thing to other people as it does to you - and that's ok. I think we as artists translate our feelings into artworks, but we're not responsible for what people feel about them.

As for making art that makes money, Aronofsky is a commercial director, but that doesn't make him any less of an artist. So make things that you love and things that are meaningful to you and hope that people love it as much as you, and they probably will - though maybe for different reasons, like me.

If connection is what matters to you the most, how do you attempt to connect with your audience? Is that something that is on your mind while you're making your films? Or just a result of them?

I think it's fascinating how we are complete opposites when it comes to this. You focus on people and your relationships with them while I focus on myself and my feelings and my experiences without regards to what other people might take from it. So our processes are probably different, too. Something to keep in mind.

Hey, I love you.

Carol Camp